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How Not to Write a Novel Query

Dearest literary agent,

Today is your lucky day (or night, 'cause you could be a night owl, as many book lovers tend to be)! Speaking of love, you are going to love my book! Which brings me back to my opening sentence, and the luck that is about to be dumped on your lap (metaphorically, of course)...

Just to get this out of the way, before I forget (I'm SO forgetful!), I propose your cut will be 10% of my book sales. Open to negotiation. Now onto the fun stuff...

Feast your eyes upon the opening chapter of my brilliant psychological horror novel, MEATFUL THINGS! (The exclamation mark is not part of the title. I just wanted a clean look without fussy quotation marks and without wishy-washy italics, but with an exclamation mark. Excitement! You see?) Back to the opening chapter. It's attached in a document. (I promise there's no malware!) Devour (not literally) the first chapter of MEATFUL THINGS and you'll laugh, you'll cry, and it will become a part of you. Forever. And leave you literally (not metaphorically) begging for more! Which I will, of course, send to you after you offer to be my agent and we agree upon my advance, my % of sales profit (or whatever you call it), etc.

Don't be the agent who passed on the next Stephen King! This is your chance for the BIG TIME! Don't blow it! ;)

You're welcome :)

CM Stewart


Heed this instead.

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