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How Not to Write a Novel Query

Dearest literary agent, Today is your lucky day (or night, 'cause you could be a night owl, as many book lovers tend to be)! Speaking of love, you are going to love my book! Which brings me back to my opening sentence, and the luck that is about to be dumped on your lap (metaphorically, of course)... Just to get this out of the way, before I forget (I'm SO forgetful!), I propose your cut will be 10% of my book sales. Open to negotiation. Now onto the fun stuff... Feast your eyes upon the opening chapter of my brilliant psychological horror novel, MEATFUL THINGS! (The exclamation mark is not part of the title. I just wanted a clean look without fussy quotation marks and without wishy-washy it

Thank you, powers that be, may I have another?

With my new one-a-day query submission system, the form letter rejection emails are starting to trickle in at a faster rate. This buoys me. Each rejection email is one email closer to my ultimate YES email. (If, indeed, I'm fated to get one.) And so my advice to my fellow aspiring agented writers is to embrace rejection! It's part of the process for 99.9+ % of us. Yes, form rejection letters leave no clue as to how to change or improve your story and and query, but maybe they they don't need improving. Maybe they just haven't landed in the right emailbox yet! Of course, my other pieces of advice would be to always leave yourself open to improvement, choose your agents carefully, and craft yo

Drowner by Emma Alice Johnson

Though I'm a flash fiction fan, rarely do I read a flash fiction story that still haunts me a year later. This story is the psychological horror I love, the theme to which I aspire, and the human experience which cuts through the hot air and chills your core: Drowner by Emma Alice Johnson From the comments: "Because it has happened to me, and without making any judgement, I think this story ended itself. I'm of the school that says not every written word or group of words needs a purpose, or a theme, or an arc, or some deep meaning, or connection to someone else's words. When I leave my home (just to give a concrete example, because I could also say when I leave the last minute I lived throu

Definition of Query Sanity*

One month, one week, and 3 days since I sent my last MEATFUL THINGS query, and... ...crickets. Again! So no more of this one-at-a-time foolishness. It's time for query-blasting foolishess! I know there's an agent somewhere out there who is hoping, yearning, dreaming, and even fantasizing about representing MEATFUL THINGS (subconsciously, and in an abstract way, of course, because this agent hasn't yet read MEATFUL THINGS). And to find this agent I must be diligent. Obsessive. Compulsive, even. Lucky for me I have borderline OCD. So... ...onward! Again! *When one query method isn't working, try another query method.

EDICT

“I’m Matthew Selles. A gentleman of cultured taste. And this is Bella Vodka. A vodka of cultured spirit.” I’m always surprised to hear my own voice on playback. But I think I sound convincing. And my hair looks great. But the Bella Vodka people haven’t called me in months. Maybe I should look for my next promo modeling gig. Or maybe I should give in and take EDICT’s offer. Money talks louder than morals. Time for my morning cube. And I’ll give this copy another shot. Full-length mirror, squared shoulders, gelled hair. “Do you want optimal nutrition, but also want to avoid dangerous GMOs? Are organic food markets too pricey and too far from home? Then join me in reaching full nutrition potent

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